By Ryan Gleason
Published: March 20th, 2019
Dear 2009 Me,
As you sit there watching WWE’s Monday Night RAW, eating your artificial cheese flavored chips and drinking your various soda pops, I want you to know… it does NOT get better dude. Oh my lord! High School? College? Working? THE 2016 ELECTION!?! Oh man, you have a daunting few years ahead of you.
Listen, real High School is so not like the ones you see on television or in movies. You don’t have the same friends all four years, you are lucky if you even have them on Facebook anymore. Oh! Facebook! No one uses it anymore! I mean, they do, but only for memes, pregnancy
announcements and weird “It’s My Birthday, Donate to Charity!” posts. Do you think you will meet the love of your life in High School and get married after graduation and remain High School Sweethearts well pass the 10-year reunion? HA! You will date like 10 girls, get dumped by all of them, then watch via social media as they get ENGAGED AT 19! Actually, High School isn’t a total fabrication in movies, bullying still exists! And oh boy do you experience a lot of that… fatty!
College is great actually. You meet a lot of really cool people! You study film and watch so many brilliant films. You do so many open mics around campus! You start writing a satire column. Oh, you also go tens of thousands of dollars into debt for tuition whilst paying out of pocket for books. You miss the bus every other day, and on the days you do make the bus, you miss the train. But hey, school is better than working.
You had a real job for a few months! I know you are used to working odd jobs for cash but you finally give into Uncle Sam and get a straight up job with taxes and stuff in your paycheck. You get a job at, wait for it, Payless ShoeSource! I know, luxury, impossible to imagine working at some place so high end. Here is a fun fact: a few months after you quit, they announce they will be closing ALL OF THEIR STORES! You dodged a bullet man.
Do you ever watch The Apprentice with your parents? You do? Ha Ha okay, so you know Donald Trump? The “you’re fired” guy? Well in 2016 he is elected leader of the free world and absolutely ruins every international relationship we have. He called John McCain a coward for being a prisoner of war! This dude became the dang flipping President! Trust me, 2016 and forward is a carnival fun mirror, you might as well take up those offers to smoke weed after school because things are about to get hectic.
Oh and one last thing, you get a dog in like eight years so have fun with that! She becomes your whole world so be ready for all the tail wagging greetings, the snuggles and the games of fetch.
I was wrong, it does get better. Just remember, after every hard day, you will be going home to her, and she will be more excited to see you than the day before. That is what is waiting for you in ten years.
Sincerely, You From the Future.