By Ben Cohn
Published: September 28th, 2016
Following years of complaints, Brooklyn College and the CLAS Student Government has decided this week to hire renowned English chef Gordon Ramsay as a temporary dietary consultant.
His tenure will go through the semester, and he has promised a complete revamping of the BC food service industry.
One of the first things Chef Ramsay did was remove all the tables in the cafeteria and replace them with a chic new standing room area. There is now full waiter service in the cafeteria and a hostess; if you want a table you better book now, because seats are filling up fast.
Chef Ramsay has also gone on a crusade against what he called the “disgraceful” state of the condiment dispensers in the cafeteria. All Heinz mustard dispensers have been replaced with jars of raw mustard seeds, and each table is equipped with a mortar and pestle . The chef has also removed all ketchup dispensers because, according to Ramsay, ketchup is “god awful” and “horrible sugary red paste.”
Students shouldn’t be worried though, because all of the old favorites are still around just under the supervision of Ramsay and his good friend Mario Batali. The pizza station has been given a new coal oven, and Chef Batali said, “I’m excited to launch a new era of pizza in the cafeteria, I’m going for something really artisan, but still, you know, kosher.”
However, both chefs agree that Starbucks coffee’s “caffeinated toilet water” is “completely inauthentic,” and they have exiled the stand from campus .
On his first day on the job, Chef Ramsay experienced his fair share of mishaps, but he handled them all with poise and grace. When a large cockroach went cascading across the floor, he jumped into action, screaming obscenities in front of a shocked tour group. He went after the roach with everything he could get his hands on in the cafeteria, hurling plates and confiscating students books as weapons.
Chef Batali and a rabbi were inspecting Batali’s latest creation when Ramsay went tumbling towards them. He yelled for them to get out of the way but they couldn’t move in time. Instead, Batali’s hulking frame fell to the ground on top of the cockroach, killing it instantly.
The rabbi screamed, but Ramsay kept his cool. He merely turned down to look at the sweaty Italian man and the cockroach and said, “Thanks Mario, but I don’t think we’ll be able to give it a proper burial, it’s lost in those rolls of yours, you fat idiot.”
Ramsay returned to the kitchen and cried.
When reached for comment, new CLAS President Florencia Salinas said, “We are so excited to have such a world renowned chef on campus. It’s a little over the $14,000 we raised but I’m sure students won’t object to a slight increase in fees this year.”
Salinas and her cabinet paid a visit to the kitchen but were soon rebuked by Ramsay, who said, “I don’t want anyone in here who doesn’t know how to cook, is that clear, goddamn people!”
Salinas and company could only say, “Yes, chef” as they exited.