By Ben Cohn
Published: October 19th, 2016
Brooklyn-based DJ James Kahn, a.k.a. the “Double Dipper,” has been sentenced to five years of hard time in the Brooklyn College bell tower after playing a very offensive three-hour set at the Walt Whitman Auditorium.
Kahn was invited to play at the behest of the CLAS Government, but reportedly played the LMFAO song “Party Rock Anthem” for almost his entire time on stage until some students decided to end his performance early. Most students had left by the second hour, but some remained to mingle, trying to ignore the Dipper in the background dancing furiously.
After being carried off stage, the Double Dipper was brought to campus security and eventually turned over to the New York Police Department (NYPD), which then charged him with “auditory assault” and a “lewd taste in music.” Kahn, who is a sophomore at BC and biology major, had been a DJ for approximately three weeks before the incident. Due to a recent budget crisis, CLAS government decided to switch from David Guetta, who was scheduled to perform, to the slightly less expensive Kahn. Kahn was reportedly paid $15 for his set and was given a tuna sandwich.
When brought in front of a judge, the DJ was defiant. He refused to apologize for his behavior. When asked to give his testimony, he screamed, “Party rock is in the house tonight!”
Because all the evidence was already in front of the judge, it was easy for him to make his decision. Kahn had been live streaming the event on Facebook, and when the judge listened he said, “To subject your fellow citizens to such sounds should be considered incredibly cruel and unusual. Why doesn’t anyone listen to Charlie Parker anymore?”
The jury agreed.
The Brooklyn College bell tower does not actually have a bell in it; it plays chimes to indicate the time every thirty seconds out of a small handheld speaker played into a tin can.
Brooklyn College President Michelle Anderson informed the judge that she could think of no better punishment for the DJ then five years trapped in the bell tower.
“I hope he likes Beethoven because he is going to be hearing 30 seconds of really bad chime versions of his best pieces for the next five years,” said Anderson. “We even have some chime Katy Perry in the mix.”
Kahn will be able to continue his education online and will be brought leftovers every day for his meals. He will be allowed a trip to the restroom once a day.
Lauren Bennett and David Listenbee of LMFAO refused to comment on the situation.
Students can see the entrapped Kahn at the top of the glass tower if they look hard enough.