By Samip Delhiwala
Published: April 1st, 2017
The Brooklyn Nets held an NBA-wide draft pick drive outside of Barclays Center in Brooklyn on Wednesday, from 11:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.
Representatives of the other 29 NBA teams were in attendance to donate 2017 and 2018 first and second round picks to the Nets, who tragically traded away their 2017 and 2018 first round draft picks to the Boston Celtics in exchange for aging veterans Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce. These picks are potential top-three picks, especially in this year’s draft as the Nets own the league’s worst record at 16-58. Instead, the picks will go to the Celtics, who sit at first place in the Eastern Conference with a record of 48-26 as of Wednesday afternoon.
The drive was organized on Tuesday night after a loss to the Philadelphia 76ers by Nets General Manager Sean Marks, successor of the mastermind behind the team’s current misfortunes, Billy King. “I inherited a ton of garbage, so I didn’t exactly have much to offer for a pick before the trade deadline,” Marks said.
“But hey, the Washington pick is something, right?” Marks reluctantly asked, seemingly begging for approval of his acquisition of a 2017 late first round pick from the Washington Wizards, who sit in third place in the Eastern Conference and just recently clinched the Southeast Division.
Pick donors were asked to fill out the necessary paperwork given by league officials. Once that process was completed, team representatives were told to hand-deliver the signed forms to league commissioner Adam Silver, who will likely void the donation process after a small period of utter confusion, fine the Nets $75,000 and two future draft picks for blatant violation of league statutes under the NBA Constitution, and fire the team representatives for participating in a public mockery of an NBA team.
“I hate this job,” Silver said, as a single tear made its way down his cheek. “I miss David [Stern].”
Billy King was also in attendance, and he was shockingly well received by Nets fans and players. Warm-hearted individuals constantly picked up anything they could find on the street and sidewalk, such as water bottles and fast food drink cups, and lovingly tossed them at King like roses thrown at performers during a curtain call. One fan even donated the contents of a nearby trash can to King.
“It was so beautiful to watch him get assaulted like that,” longtime Nets fan Shawn Abraham said after five full minutes of hyena-like laughter in response to the scene. “So much love.”
Others did not appreciate the actions towards King. “I’m confused,” passerby Roger Goodell said, before attempting to call the police due to his deflated sense of humor.
Ultimately, the draft pick drive was unsuccessful. But representatives of the Golden State Warriors and Cleveland Cavaliers, hosts of the last two NBA Finals, offered King free hugs in condolence for “single-handedly destroying the future of a franchise,” according to Warriors head coach Steve Kerr.
The Nets will play the Detroit Pistons tonight at 7:30 p.m. in Michigan, before returning to Brooklyn this weekend for their two final home games of the season. King will not be in attendance, as he is currently at Brooklyn Methodist Hospital receiving treatment for minor injuries from an incident clearly not related to the pick drive.