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Philosophy Professors Give Up, Life Declared Devoid of Meaning

By Ben Cohn Published: April 1st, 2017 After thousands of years of research and discussion, philosophy professors nationwide have decided to call it quits. The subject of philosophy no longer exists. The philosophy department at Brooklyn College has disbanded, and all of its professors have either given into the darkness or …

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Brooklyn College President to Enroll as Student in Fall Semester

By Radhika Viswanathan Published: April 1st, 2017 “Honestly, I think she’s gone off the deep end,” said Jason Carey, Brooklyn College’s assistant vice president of marketing, communications, and public relations. “We knew the stress would get to her; we just didn’t think it would happen so soon.” Carey was referring to …

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Escalators to Replace Broken Elevators

By Zainab Iqbal Published: April 1st, 2017 It’s official. After months of complaints from student and faculty, Brooklyn College administration finally decided to take action and replace the broken elevators—with escalators. But before the whole campus gets refurbished, there will be a trial run in James Hall, where currently only …

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Record Numbers of Graduation Applicants in Wake of Bernie Sanders Announcement

By Sheilagh Lichtenfels Published: April 1st, 2017 Over 17,000 Brooklyn College students have applied to graduate since the school announced that Bernie Sanders would be delivering this year’s commencement speech. This is the highest number of attempted graduations in this school’s history, totaling almost exactly the number of undergraduates enrolled …

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Administrative Member Gets Promoted

By Zainab Iqbal Published: April 1st, 2017 Brooklyn College’s Assistant Vice President of Marketing, Communications and Public Relations, Jason Carey, was promoted last week—he is now the Associate Vice President of Marketing, Communications and Public relations. “I don’t even know what to say,” said Carey wiping off a tear. “It’s …

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