By Ben Cohn
Published: December 7th, 2016
After several tense minutes of deliberation, members of the Frat Bro Grand Council drunkenly announced at a press conference that it plans for a Keystone Light pipeline to connect the schools of the Northeast to the vast light beer reserves of the Midwest.
President of the Council, Chad “Alpha-Sigma” Brad said to the press, “Yeah bro, there’s gotta be like a way for us out here in the East to get to all that sweet brew they have stored out there near like Minnesota State and shit. I heard they can get a twenty rack for like eight bucks. Fuck.”
The pipeline will bring Keystone Light beer from Golden, Colorado, where Coors’ evil industrial brewing complex operates, through the Midwestern states, then through to the South, and finally up to the North, ending at SUNY Buffalo State. The pipeline will stop at each state school and at each school that has a large population of declared frat bros.
Part of the plan includes a large-scale conscription of the pledges of the various fraternities. In order to join the fraternity, these pledges have to spend six months of their lives digging a trench.
Pledges will do online classes while they are out on their mission to help build the pipeline.
One reporter, referencing the current situation at the Standing Rock Indian Reservation, asked President Brad if any of the pipeline would enter into any territory considered part of an Indian Reservation.
“Well, bro, I think the Natives would be totally cool getting a brew spigot right in the middle of the village,” responded Brad. “We could work something out. We would absolutely respect them; they are the true people of America.”
While President Obama has yet to comment on the pipeline, Vice President Joe Biden released an official statement on it. The statement reads, “If there was to be a tap in the area of my crib in D.C., that would be rad. But hey, they gotta make sure it’s environmentally sound and shit. JB.”
The pipeline will be funded by the frats organizing “huge” car washes with “all the cheerleaders,” and also throwing some “bangers” and charging a “few bucks” at the door.
The Brooklyn College frats have reportedly rejected the idea of the pipeline being near the school. “People should really focus on their studies,” read a statement collectively issued by the frats. One frat bro stated, “Bro I work like 12 hours a day. How am I gonna dig a trench?” The frats say they are not interested in trying to help people have fun at Brooklyn College in the near future.