By Ryan Gleason
Published: February 27th, 2019
As I get older, I can and do expect friends of mine to tie the knot and have children soon, not necessarily in that order. Recently I have been noticing friends of mine having kids or announcing that they and their partners are expecting. I am so incredibly happy for them, I can’t help but imagine if my girlfriend and I were to have a child. I think I would be an amazing father despite never taking care of a small child for more than a few hours. Parenting can’t be THAT hard.
Here are some parenting tips I assume make sense and would not harm or mentally scar your children:
1) Babies cannot drink Mountain Dew, but if you freeze the Mountain Dew into a popsicle, they totally can consume it that way.
2) Dogs are great companions for babies, especially if you raise a pup and baby together, their bond will be unbreakable. But sell the dog when the baby turns around one so the little stinker knows about loss and disappointment early. Welcome to the human race kid!
3) If your baby is restless, put some breastmilk/formula in your mouth, swish it around and swallow it. Then, blow your hot milk breath into their face. It will remind the baby of what it was like in the womb when you/your partner got gas.
4) Watch movies and television with full volume. The baby’s ears need to adjust to real-world sounds. Right now they are so used to squishy silence from inside the body, they need to be introduced to sirens, bells, rock music, and utter chaos.
5) Never give your baby a stuffed animal; too easy to turn into a dirty, crusty, drool filled sponge. Give your baby action figures with many small and removable pieces.
6) Teach your child another language so when they are inevitably drafted to the next world wars, they have a fighting chance at begging for mercy from the enemies. It doesn’t matter which language, I’m sure our current president has made enemies with everyone.
7) When giving your baby a bath, use dish soap to create the most long-lasting and buoyant bubbles they have ever seen.
8) Don’t, in any way, give them wooden blocks. Trees should not be cut down from Mother Earth’s surface for your dumb baby’s enjoyment. Protect the environment! Use plastic blocks.
9) Put pillows everywhere. Babies are naturally top heavy and fall down all the time. And despite it being hilarious sometimes, there’s only so many videos of babies falling that will fit on your phone. So after the 5th or 6th time, maybe baby proof the place.
10) This one isn’t a joke. VACCINATE YOUR DAMN KID!