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Philosophy Professors Give Up, Life Declared Devoid of Meaning

By Ben Cohn

Published: April 1st, 2017

After thousands of years of research and discussion, philosophy professors nationwide have decided to call it quits. The subject of philosophy no longer exists. The philosophy department at Brooklyn College has disbanded, and all of its professors have either given into the darkness or found a job at stores like CVS and Walgreens. 

Human beings have tried to rationalize their existence and the existence of evil in the universe, but have yet to come up with an answer that is suitable. 

Following countless hours of discussion and coffees and opiates, there has been little consensus, and the human race has continued to rely on religion and government for all direction in life. 

Former Brooklyn College philosophy professor Jericho Williams commented on the situation and explained the nationwide cessation of all philosophical activities. “You know we tried and we tried, and trust me, I’ve read something from every single philosophical school,” he said. “They all say different shit and most of the time they just say nonsense, I’ll admit it. One by one we all can come to the conclusion that it was all bullshit. We’re all just going to try to do something with ourselves, like try to have a family or a pet. All my life has been consumed by this pointless search, and guess what? There’s no answer.” 

The Department of Philosophy will be merged with the Department of Psychology, and all philosophical discussion henceforth will be relegated to the cafeteria and the homes of local stoners. 

The annoying guy in the philosophy class now has nowhere to go, and has to find another department to plague in his scarf and pseudo-intelligence. Perhaps he’ll try the English department. 

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