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Test Subjects Needed

This experiment is to test the hypothesis that ‘College makes Student F’n Sleepy.’ PHOTO/ Pixabay

By Ryan Gleason

Published: February 6th, 2019

As a member of the Brooklyn College community, I receive emails from different departments asking to complete surveys, go on trips, and volunteer for testing. This week, the first week back from our holiday break, I received a very lengthy email asking for five test subjects to complete a psychological experiment. The following statement is the email I received, including the requirements and warnings given by the BC Staff member who’s conducting said experiment:

“Hello BC Student, I am Doctor Freudianschlipp and I am conducting a sleep experiment this February. I know, as a college student this sounds like a dream come true (pun intended), but allow me to disclose the details of the experiment.

This sleep experiment requires five students, ages 18-25, men and women. You must be a fulltime student and fill out forms 1854-C and 333-X, available on the Brooklyn College website. These forms allow absences from Brooklyn College classes on Monday the 25th and Tuesday the 26th of February. This experiment is to test the hypothesis that ‘College makes Students F’n Sleepy’ so no disorders or prior experience is necessary. You will be examined once before you sleep and a second time after.

Now, there are some risks and warnings I must disclose with you all before reviewing your submissions. You will be sleeping in a room overnight with four other students, of mixed genders. Also, you will be shown three Adam Sandler films before you go to sleep and yes, one of which is Jack and Jill. You will be given dairy and sugar-based snacks and beverages as well as a catered breakfast the morning of the 26th, I know this doesn’t sound like a risk, but you know how addictive Pringles can be. Once you pop you just can’t stop. And finally, the sleep window we will be observing is from midnight to noon, so you will be forced to sleep for 12 hours.

We are under the understanding some (if not all) of you are used to sleeping four or fewer hours. We are pretty sure it is because you are overworked and totally “over” college. But we can’t be sure until we see how your bodies and minds react to being snacked and snoozed. I thought up that expression, do you like it? Never mind, that will be asked during the final examination after breakfast.

Thank you and I await your submissions.

Best,

Doctor Freudianschlipp

Psychology”

I don’t know much about Psychology, but I can tell you without doing two days’ worth of tests, that yes, school makes students sleepy.

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